I want to be "KIDNAPPED"!!!

The feeling is indescribable...the feeling of sitting in a cinema hall, having spent a handful of money on a crappy movie. And you have no one to blame but yourself for the absolute mental and physical torture that you bring upon yourself. Its amazing how you can bring yourself to buy the tickets for a movie you know sucks(pardon the language). And why exactly would one do that? Ask yourself. I can bet my last dollar (or rupee) that you surely must have had that urge to have "willingly" spent on a pathetically bad movie.

My Lord, the name is "KIDNAP". Luxuriously seated in one of the back seats I had the privilege to see how an almost empty cinema hall looks. My mother (who else would have accompanied me to watch a crappy movie), looked pretty upbeat about the fact that she was about to witness a bad movie. No, I am not condemning the movie even before I have told you anything about it. I am merely astounded by the fact that I didn't really walk out of the hall. My mother chimed in "I think we should have bought the tickets for Drona". Drona was running in Hall no.1 & 2 if you really want to know. FYI Drona is another movie that would definitely give Kidnap a tough competition. And I pondered, given the option of watching a magical tale about a superhero who looked sleep deprived and had a really bad dressing sense(given that superheroes in any case couldn't figure out that inner wear should be taken in its literal sense) and a thriller, I had made the right choice. Or had I?

Myth 1: Superheroes are not the only ones who have a bad dressing sense. Minisha Lamba and Imran Khan were there to accompany them. The director guy is really strange. He made sure that Minisha and her mom(who buy the way could actually pass for Minisha's kid sister) had their assets on display for every freaking(I really had to abstain myself from not deliberately misspelling this word) shot. He also made sure that Imran gets to show off his cleavage. At one point, I was pretty darn sure that he was a wearing a maroon ladies cardigan. The director really has a thing for "cleavage-shots". But at least he is not a sexist. Both the sexes were at their revealing best!

By no means am I spilling the beans when I say that Minisha got kidnapped in the first few minutes, that's downright obvious anyway. She was kidnapped under water. (Watch the movie to know how strategically thought of the kidnapping was...the script writer must be crazy). Talking about being crazy...the continuity guy does not lag far behind. Minisha was in a white bikini when she was kidnapped and when she woke up on a couch she was wearing a denim skirt and a white top( Ouch that must hurt Minisha..your top is having a tough time keeping things in place). And the ocean wasn't strong enough to smudge her lip gloss either. Maybe its Maybelline...

Thriller ho toh kya hua...boss item number toh banta hai. Akhir heroine ne bohot mehnat ki hai body bana ne ke liye. Chalo ji, lets endure the drama. Lyrics toh awesome hai...What with a song like "Mausam ye awesome bada".

One of my friends had commented post Jane Tu Ya Jane Na-"Yaar Imran is totally expressionless". I told him bechare ka debut hai...But man...seriously. After Kidnap I am sorry if I am being too hard on you Imraan but dude either you are a complete misfit for the role or you seriously should hone your acting skills before you think of appearing on screen the next time!

Although, I was pretty surprised by Imran's Parkour act. There were some really nice jumping off the building scenes. I wonder if he really learnt to become a traceur or was it a body double. The bottom line is, the Parkour sequences were good. Akshay Kumar...bhai sahab,better watch out!

Intermission: I buy a cup of elaichi tea for Mumma and a cup of cappuccino for myself to keep us from falling asleep in the second half. Both were outrageously priced. The beverages,that is.

The story line was pretty predictable. You dont have to be a genius to know whats going to happen next. Brain wave ki bhi zarurat nai hai...infact brain ki hi zarurat nahi hai. Sanjay Dutt looks like a retired judge with a visible paunch. On his trail he coincidentally always gets the best of cars and bikes to continue his chase. Too many co incidents...But last mein Sanjay dada ko thoda bhagna padta hai. No offence but there was a constant visual of a bull dog running in my head..flab on his cheek flapping. Imran had devised a game of treasure hunt for Sanjay to find his daughter Minisha. The clues were hopelessly crafted.
I was the last one to break the silence...the minuscule population was already happily chattering in the hall. This was the question I put forth-"Mumma if its an adult, do we still use the term 'kidnap'?". Your wait for the lamest PJ is about to get over."No dear,its adultnap".
"Oh, I thought abduct is the correct terminology..."
If the movie is that bad...it eventually brings out the worst in you. I don't blame the either of us.

The movie eventually dragged to "the end".
Phew.
Some test of patience that was.

Its amazing why such lame movies still thrive in Bollywood. Its because of people like you and me who believe in investing in trash. In spite of knowing that there will be no desired return.